In the past week, I have been thinking a lot about my health.
I have been thinking about much more than how much I weigh, because I know that true health transcends just the body.
In the past week, I was crippled by my depression. I’m sure it was only exacerbated by my oncoming period, but still… I always realize this after the fact. “Hey, I was damn near suicidal two days ago… and now I’m bleeding from my uterus. Oh, wait a minute…” is a typical excerpt for my internal monologue.
Sitting at home, overeating and feeling sorry for myself was awful. When I am not emotionally well or at my mental best, I tend to abuse my body. Then I hate my body and myself for my poor behavior, thus starting the cycle over and over again. I have been stuck in the same broken record since I was a small girl.
I am 25 years old now. And I really don’t want to live my life this way anymore. I don’t want to continue slowly killing myself in this way anymore.
I am currently unemployed. It’s very stressful, but it also makes you feel pretty worthless. We live in a culture that values productivity. Ever notice how when people ask, “What do you do?” we always respond with what our occupation or employment status is? And so, if I am not “working,” it is easy to feel as though my value and worth as a human being has diminished.
But also, being unemployed means I have a lot of time—potentially, time to spend working on things that really matter. Like my health. Again, not just my physical health. But my emotional, mental, and spiritual health as well. It’s all interconnected. I can’t be a whole person without any of those components. And doesn’t health derive from healing, and isn’t the definition of healing “to make whole again”?
I want to be whole.
I wanted this post to be more coherent and articulate. I feel like it’s a little all over the place, but that’s OK. Because I’m finally saying what I’ve needed to say to myself, to the big outside world for a while. I am finally understanding that so much of the issues I’m facing with my physical health stem from deeper-rooted problems. And finally, I am ready to address all of the issues together. I don’t want to be the girl who just pays attention to one. Who cares if I lose 100 lbs if I still haven’t learned how to forgive my parents for their traumatizing divorce or that guy in college for sexually assaulting me? These are the wounds I keep trying to cover up. Who cares if I can practice better eating and exercise habits, if I’m still afraid to leave the house because I’m so sad all the time?
For once, I have no qualms about being completely honest about all the all the ways I am hurting and broken.
I am a fat girl who is addicted to food and hides away so no one can see her body.
I am the child of divorced parents who lost themselves for a while, and I’ve never forgiven them for it.
I am a sexual assault survivor who gives herself away to men too easily, because she never fully learned how to love herself?
I am smart, talented, funny Black Girl who lacks self-confidence and has suffered mental health issues for most of her adolescence and young adult life.
I am a ridiculously sensitive and intuitive person who gave up on God a long time ago, but misses her relationship with Him/Her/The Universe everyday.
But I am going to re-learn how to love, how to forgive, how to be strong, how to trust myself, how to have faith, how to live joy. And I’m going to write about it here on this blog, for all the world and my future employers to see.